Tales from the Bloated Spider
by Arglwyddes Ariannaid
Summary: Tales from the first pub in Mirkwood. Sorry, we're all out of cheese and onion.
1. Prologue

**Tales From the Bloated Spider  
**  
**Prologue  
**  
Myfanwy was part of a group of men travelling from the Long-Lake over the Misty Mountains. As the company travelled through Mirkwood, Myfanwy somehow became separated from the rest of the group and soon found herself all alone in the suffocating blackness of Mirkwood.  
  
After days of wandering blindly, Myfanwy stumbled upon a group of Wood-elves gathered around a fire in the middle of the forest. Excited by the smell of food, she ran forward into the circle and before she knew what was happening, the fire was kicked out and she fell fast asleep on the ground.  
  
When she awoke, she found herself in a small, dark room with a locked door. she thought to herself, At least I'm not still out in the forest!.  
Suddenly, the door to her cell opened and she was led down a corridor, up some stairs, down another corridor, around a corner (you get the picture) until she stood before King Thranduil himself.  
  
When Thranduil heard from her that a group of men had been travelling through Mirkwood he was worried, and he imagined his precious treasure being carried away by the chest-full. Therefore it was decided that Myfanwy was not to leave Mirkwood, lest she gave away the location of the halls to any greedy men.  
  
Myfanwy wasn't too disappointed with this ruling, as she was a dim-witted woman, and most of the people in her village were sick of her. Indeed, the reason she was part of the van over the mountains was so that she could be dumped in Bree.  
  
However, Myfanwy missed her inn, and so it was that she opened the first pub in Mirkwood and called it The Bloated Spider. Part of the reason, she said, was to cheer up those miserable Pointy Ear'ds.  
  
Now follows a tale from the smokey haven that is the Bloated Spider...


	2. Tale the first Boring old Mirkwood

**Boring Old Mirkwood  
  
**It was a night like any other, mostly because every night is pretty much the same when you live in a place like Mirkwood, when Mablung Ancalímon and Finrod Elanessë walked into the Bloated Spider.  
  
Evening Gents, came the familiar greeting of Myfanwy, what can I get for my two favourite regulars?  
Two pints of your finest mead, Myfanwy. Mablung said as the two sat down at the bar.  
Myfanwy nodded and busied herself at the other end of the counter.  
  
Call it an elf's intuition, but I don't quite believe it when she tells us we're here favourite regulars. Finrod said, as the sound of Myfanwy welcoming another two of her favourite customers went unnoticed to the two.  
  
It wasn't long before Myfanwy was back with their drinks and the two sat sipping for a while before Mablung broke the silence. Nothing interesting's happened around these parts for so long! he said with a sigh, One almost wishes there was a war on.  
  
Finrod nodded in agreement, and silence resumed. Unbeknownst to the two at the bar, a strange creature, pale and gangling ran past the wide window to the pub, wailing something that sounded very much like , followed by two guards. Finrod looked up suddenly, Lólindir Calafalas' horse got foot-rot the other day!  
  
Mablung looked unimpressed. That old nag's been on it's last legs for years, that's not news. And the two sat quietly once again.  
  
There was another strange noise outside, and all of the patrons looked out of the window to see a long line of dwarves being marched towards the Halls of Thranduil, complaining loudly. Mablung and Finrod were staring at their half empty glasses of mead.  
  
Suddenly, Finrod jumped up again, I suppose you heard what that no good daughter of Fëanáro Elendar got up to last month? and Mablung nodded fervently.  
Oh yes! That no good harlot! he cried, Personally, I blame the parents,  
Yes, you remember of course what old Fëanáro used to get up to when we were young-  
  
Myfanwy had appeared with two more glasses of mead, There's more gossip comes from you two than at the bitter old mother-in-law booth at the annual hobbit wives knitting convention! she said, laughing, Here, get your moaning gear around these, on the house!  
  
Mablung and Finrod thanked Myfanwy who told them to think nothing of it loves, and went back to wiping down the counter.  
  
Silence descended upon the two elves once again, and they went back to sipping their mead thoughtfully.  
  
Neither paid any attention to the small argument that had escalated into a brawl that went on behind them. Myfanwy shouted before leaping over the bar and glassing the two who started the fight and throwing them from the pub.  
  
Normality returned to the Bloated Spider, and after glaring some patrons into righting the tables they had knocked over, Myfanwy returned to her place behind the bar.  
  
The silence was broken by Mablung. Fancy a game of darts? he asked.  
Might as well. Finrod said, yawning, nothing else going on around here.  
  
And it is as the two disenchanted elves meander their way towards the dart board, that we, gentle reader, leave the quiet sanctuary of the Bloated Spider.  
  
Until next time, I bid you goodnight, and for crying out loud, use a beer mat!


End file.
